Turn Out The Light
by natalia5345
Summary: An Unending continuation. What if Teal'c wasn't the only one who remembered...
1. Borrowed Time

_**Turn out the Light **_

_**Chapter 1 – Borrowed Time**_

Rating: G, I suppose  
Disclaimer: Not Mine. MGM gets to play for real, I get to play in my head.  
Author's Note: This fic is based on lyrics from a song called _Borrowed Time _by Leahy. I haven't got the rest of the chapters (probably 4 more) written out completely but they shouldn't be too far behind this one :) - it's an Unending tag I suppose is the best way to categorize this...  
and now onto the the story, which asks:

_What if Teal'c wasn't the only one who remembered..._

Thanks to Milena and Stef for the beta!!

Hope you all enjoy it! **Let me know what you think!** reviews are love after all.

--

_Come and sit here by my side _

_For our time will soon be gone _

_And these tears I cannot hide…_

--

The unwavering starlight filtered in, illuminating only half of Vala's face as Daniel pulled her to stand next to the window in their dark bedroom. They didn't have much time left. Several decks below them Teal'c was moving into position and Sam sat poised to press the button that would either end their lives or begin them again. He had so much he wanted to say – things he should have voiced aloud long ago. With the knowledge that he had no more time to waste bearing down on him, Daniel cleared his throat and dove in.

"Vala, I want you know, even if you are going to forget, that I wasn't with you all these years just because we were trapped on this god-awful ship," Vala chuckled softly and he paused before pushing on, "I was with you because - "

"I know." Vala interrupted him, her voice soft and filled with understanding. "And I want you to know - "

"I know" Daniel interrupted her with the same tone. "I know," He repeated quietly, nodding. He lifted a hand to stroke her cheek but she broke away, unable to stand still any longer, to remain under his scrutiny as her eyes welled up. She didn't want him to notice her tears now – not when they had so little time left. They would not be the last thing he saw, she promised herself.

Daniel moved to sit down as he watched Vala pace back and forth across the room like a caged animal. He knew it drove her mad to not be in control, to be waiting for the end like this. He would have assumed he would feel the same way but he was oddly calm, merely looking on. This impatient, frustrated Vala, suddenly full of energy, reminded Daniel of her younger self. The Vala that seemed to have been lost so long ago, as time in their tiny part of the universe carried on, as colours faded and movement slowed. The fire in her eyes when he called out to her seemed like a vision from the past, another Vala, another time, another place. A Vala that, if things went as planned, would be revived very soon. He just hoped he was smart enough to see what he was sitting right in front of him a little sooner the second time around.

"Please Vala, just come sit down with me." He reached out to her and she paused before nodding and moving slowly back across the room, settling her small body onto the couch where he sat, resting her legs across his lap, winding one arm around his back and leaning into his chest. Her head fell onto his shoulder as they curled up into the familiar position. "We all agreed on the plan," Daniel reminded her as he tried to soothe her as best he could. "It's out of our hands now." He reached up and gently removed her hair from the pigtails she had donned earlier that evening, another throwback from the past. She had stopped wearing her hair like that years ago. Daniel slowly ran his fingers through her hair as he freed it, twisting the few remaining raven locks around his fingers as they sat silent in the darkness. Waiting.

Vala stared down at the shaft of starlight that fell across her upturned palm. She closed her fist once, twice, trying to capture it between her fingers, but of course it would not be caught, could not be kept. As she continued to stare absently at the pale light, which remained so annoyingly elusive, the conversation from their earlier meeting flitted through her thoughts_. __If it doesn't work – then the shields will fail and you will die along with the rest of us__._ No matter what the outcome of Sam's plan, this was their end. The end of the life they had built over the last 50 years. It had been far from ideal, but it belonged to them and Vala tried to drink in the last few moments of it, to hold on to this memory. As more of the conversation echoed in her mind she was reminded with a sharp pain that her efforts were useless, that it was no use – they would not remember – no one but Teal'c would know about their lives, their love, their losses_. __Everything – our age, our memories, will be undone._ She wished desperately that she could send some sort of message to herself, her younger, doubtful, confused and insecure self. If only they could find some way to hold onto it all – all the years they had had together, all the moments, happy and sad, heart warming and heart wrenching. She wanted to keep them all, trying her best to gather up each one, holding on tight, but they were as difficult to hold onto as the light that lay across her palm. The tears that Vala had been fighting finally began to fall as she felt their time slipping through her fingers as well. Never enough time.

Daniel couldn't see Vala's tears, though he felt them, cool and wet on his neck, soaking into his shirt. He said nothing, instead reaching up to stroke her hair again with one hand while the other continued to rub her back in a slow comforting motion. She hiccupped a little and shifted against his shoulder pressing a soft kiss to his neck as she worked to calm her breathing.

"There's no way we'll be able to remember this is there? Nothing we can do?" Vala whispered, raising her head from Daniel's shoulder. Her eyes pleaded with him desperately, still shining with tears.

Daniel paused for a beat and opened his mouth to answer but as he did they heard the distant thunder of multiple explosions and a bright, hot flash surrounded them. The final tightening of his embrace was the only response she would receive.

--

Vala woke with a start, her mind and heart racing. She lay in her bed on the Odyssey, curled around one of her pillows, gripping it tightly. Releasing the pillow from her grasp, and brushing her tousled raven locks away from her eyes, she reached over and flipped on the bedside lamp. They were on their way home.

With Teal'c's help they had escaped the Ori ships and were heading back to Earth as quickly as possible. After successfully making the jump to hyperspace and ensuring that they had finally thrown the Ori off their trail, SG-1 had sat down with Teal'c to try and sort out what had occurred. He had explained just enough to convince them of who he was and what had happened, but remained annoyingly quiet and Jaffa-like about the details of their apparent extended stay on the ship. After the briefing, the team had split up to try and rest while they were in the safety of hyperspace. It had been a long day for everyone – about 50 years too long from Teal'c's perspective, she thought absently – and Vala had been exhausted, barely making it back to her room and under the sheets before she fell into a deep sleep.

After turning off the lamp once more, Vala rolled over to watch the blue cascade of lights stream by the window, their glowing movement the only hint to the stars and planets that they sped past on their journey back to Earth. As she tried to fall back to sleep the details and images of her dream continued to poke and pull at her mind. They seemed much closer, more familiar than they should have. But it was just a dream of course. It had to be. After hearing Teal'c's tidbits about their long term residency on the Odyssey Vala's overactive imagination was running away with her. That was all.

Vala's eyes flitted again to the window and then the nearby couch. It felt like yesterday, not some imaginary creation. The feeling of Daniel's shirt against her face, his smell, the safety of his arms around her...but it couldn't be. Teal'c had explained the time travel business – he had remained old so that the plan could succeed, so that someone remembered. Only Teal'c. No matter how logical she tried to be Vala couldn't shove away the sense that the bed felt wider, colder, emptier than it had the night before. She plumped up her pillows knowing that that was absurd. She tried to relax, but unable to shake the feeling that something was missing, she tossed and turned the rest of the night.


	2. One More Night

_**Chapter 2 – One More Night**_

_Turn out the Light_

_And let me love you_

_One more night_

_Hold me tight_

_Tell me everything _

_is gonna be alright_

--

Under the bright fluorescent lights of the SGC, SG-1 sat around the briefing room table listening as General Landry informed them as to why they had been called in so unexpectedly. He explained that earlier that morning SG-3 had been doing routine exploration an uninhabited planet when they had stumbled across some Ancient ruins not too far from the gate. They had immediately radioed back to base, asking for Daniel to come to the planet to examine the structures, texts and artefacts they had discovered so far.

Vala leaned back in her chair, tuning in and out as General Landry laid out all the details. She internalised enough information to understand that SG-1 was to accompany Daniel and Samantha to P3X-whatever-it-was and watch while they investigated the ruins for information about the Ancients. Not the most thrilling assignment, but then again any Ancient finds were of the utmost interest to the SGC these days. With everyone on edge due to the continued Ori threat that loomed over them all, the Ancients remained their best hope when it came to some sort of defence against the seemingly unstoppable armies invading their space - so research on any available Ancient sites and technology took top priority.

As the discussion continued around her, Vala scanned the faces of her teammates across the table. Cameron sat with his back straight, hands folded on the polished tabletop, focused solely on General Landry. Always the consummate leader, Cameron listened carefully and asked for clarifications in order to ensure the safety of his team. Next to him Samantha ran a hand through her shaggy blond hair, multitasking as she listened to the briefing while simultaneously making notes on the equipment she wanted to bring along on their excursion. From the end of the table Teal'c looked on, his strong, silent form a constant on the team – consistent and dependable. He was very much the same as he had always been in that sense, but the striking grey streak in his hair now served as a continual reminder of what he had been through – what they had all been through and forgotten. Or at least were supposed to have forgotten.

Vala's train of thought wandered just a bit further off the track at the thought of the years they had all spent on the Odyssey. Instantly her mind jumped to the dreams that she had begun to experience on their journey home several weeks ago – that had continued to occur after their return to Earth. Each night Vala crawled in bed alone, only to find herself sharing a distant and unfamiliar life with Daniel, before waking up cold and lonely once more. It grew harder each day to convince herself that the images she experienced were solely the work of her imagination and nothing more. She had, of course, questioned Teal'c several times about the alternate timeline – her curiosity had always been a force to be reckoned with – but for some reason she couldn't bring herself to ask about Daniel. It was an almost unconscious move to leave out questions about Daniel – about she and Daniel – as she pestered Teal'c in the line in the commissary, as they worked out in the gym, or in the quiet stillness of his quarters as he attempted to ignore her and meditate among the flickering candles. The fear of what she might discover seemed to outweigh her normally uncompromising curiosity when it came to her future, or past, relationship with Daniel.

Trying to go about her daily routine as usual, as if nothing had changed, grew more and more difficult as well. The problem was that, theoretically, nothing _had_ changed. Not for Daniel or Cameron or Samantha. Even Teal'c remained the same as always, refusing to show the strain those years must have had on him, stoically bearing the continued burden of the memories he carried. But the more Vala dreamed, the more the emotions that filled her heart at night began to slip into her actions during the day. Stolen glances, soft smiles and lingering hands reflected the passion and sensitivity of a woman who had been with her lover for years. The reaction she received, however, was one of a confused and sometimes annoyed archaeologist and teammate who didn't understand her actions or their meaning.

Dragging herself out of her roving thoughts and back to the meeting that continued around her, Vala turned in her chair slightly, allowing her gaze to fall on Daniel last of all. It was easy to see how eager he was to explore the possibilities the planet held. His eyes danced as he theorised about what they might find, impatiently demanding to leave as soon as possible. She couldn't prevent the smile that broke out on her face from reaching her eyes as she observed the obvious joy and excitement he was experiencing. Before Vala realised what she was doing her hand reached for his under the table, slipping her fingers into his and squeezing slightly. He paused mid sentence and turned to her with a slight frown, brows furrowed in confusion. He quickly pulled his hand from hers with a dismissive shake of his head and turned back to the briefing without a word. Vala slowly pulled her own hand back onto her lap, her bright smile quickly collapsing in on itself.

--

SG-1 stepped through the gate and the heat of midday stopping them in their tracks like a brick wall. They immediately moved towards the ruins, Daniel and Samantha eager to get started on their work, the rest of the group much more keen on simply finding some shade. Vala quickly caught up to Daniel, automatically matching his stride. Daniel chose a section of the ruins and began translating some of the text on the wall. Vala assisted, mutely, for the entire afternoon as he sifted and dug through the dusty ruins. He was so engrossed that he had barely noticed her presence let alone her uncharacteristic demeanour. She carefully handed him the tools he needed, offering him water to stave off the heat when he forgot to take a drink on his own. At one point in the long quiet afternoon, Vala sat back next to Daniel as he flipped through the pages of one of his own volumes. The sound of the pages turning was punctuated with aggravated sighs from the man who turned them as he looked for some sort of cross-reference. She couldn't manage to tear herself away as he worked, simply watching as he read, so intent in his quest for answers. Vala's shattered smile nearly returned as he rubbed a hand across his brow, crinkled in deep concentration, completely unaware of the long streak of dirt he left behind. Without a second thought Vala reached up with a thumb to gently wipe it away, lowering her hand to caress his cheek before pulling back. He looked up annoyed at the distraction and snapped, "Vala stop, please, not now" before returning to his book. Vala sat back in surprise, her hand frozen in midair, eyes wide in her own brand of confusion at both her own actions and his. She quickly stood and then moved away, spending the rest of the afternoon standing silently with Teal'c off to the side as Daniel tried translation after translation of the alien texts.

As the end of the day approached, shadows growing long and the oppressive heat of the day finally waning Daniel grew more and more frustrated with their lack of progress. Cameron, who had taken up watch around the perimeter of the ruins, entered the room removing his hat and using his sleeve to wipe the sweat that had accumulated on his face from the humidity. When he asked for their report, Daniel and Samantha had very little to offer. The texts remained a complete puzzle and Samantha had found very little in the way of technology, at least useful technology. Gamely Cameron quipped something about bringing along more s'mores if he had known they were going to take so long to get to the bottom of this one. If looks could kill, Cameron would have been dead as a doornail from the glare Daniel threw his way. Cameron quickly suggested that they pack up and set up camp before they lost the last of the daylight. The irritated archaeologist threw his tools into his pack, and moved to follow the others, trailing several yards behind. He took no notice of the raven-haired woman who had stayed behind to wait for him, instead walking swiftly ahead, lost in thought.

Daniel had remained frustrated and moody the rest of the evening and had left the circle of the campfire much earlier than the rest of the group. Cameron watched Daniel as he crawled into the tent they were to share and immediately offered to take first watch, not at all eager to follow the disgruntled man into the very small space.

--

Leaves rustled softly as a cool wind blew through the trees that surrounded their campsite. SG-1 had finally called it a day a few hours ago, and had retired to their respective tents. The refreshing breeze made its way through the open flap of the tent where Samantha and Vala rested, causing the battery powered lantern hanging from the tent post to swing slightly. The shadows on the ceiling of the tent danced and shivered until Vala reached up to steady the light and zip the flap shut. Looking over at Samantha, she realised her tent mate was already fast asleep so she flicked the lamp off and quietly snuggled deeper into her sleeping bag.

Rolling over, she could see the light still glowing from Daniel and Cameron's tent. Daniel would be going over the translations and texts from the day, trying to find the missing piece, the clue they had missed. She wished desperately that she were there with him. Not only to satisfy her own desires but to help him as well. She knew he would work better if he just relaxed. Wait, how did she know that with such certainty? Flashes of shoulder massages and late night discussions assaulted Vala's senses. She shook her head to clear the images from her mind. That Daniel, the man with whom she spent her nights, was so different from the Daniel mumbling to himself a few feet and two canvas walls away. All day she longed for the Daniel that haunted her dreams, eager for the small comfort she received in those moments with him, before the sudden, painful fall back to reality each morning. But at the same time she wished all night that her own Daniel would open his eyes, would smile back, would see her. She let out a sigh of dissatisfaction. She was torturing herself. That's what she was doing. Torturing herself. As if she hadn't been tortured enough in her life.

In the next tent Daniel eventually succumbed to his own frustration and exhaustion, extinguishing the glow of the lamp overhead, leaving them both in darkness.

--

As the night wore on Vala slipped restlessly in and out of sleep. Her dreams were fragmented, non linear; each image, each emotion triggering the next, unpredictable, disorganised and out of her control. Events and faces moved in and out of her mind's eye, painting a picture of a life that was confined yet somehow free; stranded in time.

_Vala watched as the clock on the bedside table switched from 11:59 to 12:00. Rolling over, she shifted her body to lie over Daniel's, pushing her greying hair aside as she settled above him, moving her lips to his and pulling him from his slumber with a deep kiss. His hands moved automatically to her hips to hold her in place as her hands cradled his head,__continuing the breathtaking kiss. She moved back slightly opening her eyes to catch his gaze with her own. She smiled softy and whispered "Happy Birthday" as she moved back in to lazily invade his mouth with her tongue once more._

--

_The pale glow of the overhead lights replaced the darkness in the room and the languid kiss turning frantic as Vala found herself pushed up against the wall of their quarters, Daniel's mouth plundering hers as he held her head in place. She could feel wet tracks from the tears that were streaming down her cheeks and as she brought her hands to Daniel's face she could feel twin streaks of moisture there as well. They pulled at each other's clothing, Daniel removing her black blouse, Vala pulling at his black sweater, in a frenzied attempt to feel skin on skin, to reassure each other that they were both still there, that their time had not yet run out. The memorial service for their stalwart leader had reaffirmed the bitter realisation that while they were protected from the Ori ships that lay outside, they were not immune to the ravages and finality of time, of life and death, within their self-imposed prison. Daniel picked Vala up holding her to him and she wrapped her legs around his waist holding on tightly as he moved towards the bed. "I don't want to lose you," she murmured into his neck, her arms gripping his shoulders desperately. His arms tightened around her small form in return before releasing her to lie back on the bed, his eyes shining. "I love you."_

--

_Vala sat alone in General Landry's garden, the green leaves and brightly coloured flowers surrounding her standing out starkly against her raven hair, black dressing gown and pale face. Daniel entered quietly, moving to sit on the floor beside her, handing her a cup of tea. Wrapping an arm around her shoulders and pulling her close,__he kissed the top of her head. Vala looked up at him with tears in her eyes. "She would have been ten years old today Daniel." She buried her face into his shoulder and Daniel remained silent. There was nothing to say. The cup of tea remained forgotten on grey floor, slowly growing cold._

--

_Vala moved up behind Daniel, replacing the now cold coffee on the console with a fresh, steaming cup. Daniel took no notice, continuing to examine the glowing schematics and text that filled the air in the otherwise empty room. Vala moved back to sit by the door, her usual spot, waiting for him to finish what he was working on. If nothing else, she had learned some amount of patience over the last few years. The minutes ticked past in silence until Daniel reached for his coffee mug. His eyes widened when he found it to be warm. Looking back towards the door he found her exactly where she had been the day before, and the day before that. She smiled and stood. "You're welcome." She moved back towards the console. "I'm late for dinner again,__aren't I?" He asked with a wince. "You are." she answered, her face remaining neutral as she ran a finger down his cheek to rest on his chin. Then with her thumb and forefinger on his chin she pulled him closer pressing a soft kiss to his lips. He pulled back and grinned. The blue light of the alien text played across his face as the display continued bringing up data, but Daniel was no longer focused on the knowledge base. "I guess I'll have to make that up to you,__won't I?" He said moving in closer. She watched the blue glow play across his face a little longer before allowing a small smirk to grace her features. "You most certainly will,__darling," she answered as the blue light flickered and went off at the touch of Daniel's hand, leaving them in darkness._

--

_The coloured lights flickered on and off as Sam continued to fiddle with the power source behind the tree. Vala was in front of the tree holding up one ornament after another searching for the perfect place for each one. However, each time she moved towards the step ladder that rested at the foot of the tree, Daniel's hand came from behind her taking whatever ornament her fingers gently clasped and moving to step up onto the ladder to await further instruction. After the fourth or fifth time he did this,__Vala let out a disgruntled huff and put her hands on her hips glaring at him as he stepped back down off the small metal ladder. "You know Daniel,__I'm not an invalid, I could have done that myself." He looked at her with a warm smile "I know that Vala, I just don't see any reason to take any chances." She couldn't help but smile in return as he moved to stand behind her, wrapping his arms around her waist. They both looked at the tree for a long moment. "That little Bambi creature is far too close to that snowman,__Daniel" Vala said breaking the silence and pointing out the offending ornament. "It's a reindeer Vala. A reindeer. You should really get the terminology right if you want to teach it to this little one" He chuckled, placing his hands gently on her stomach._

--

_Daniel's hand rested on her stomach as they lay stretched out in their quarters. The only sound was their soft breathing, almost in unison, as Vala rested between Daniel's legs, her back to his chest. He was reading a book Sam had given him about parenting, and he was completely engrossed. The book was in one hand while his other hand absently rubbed Vala's growing stomach in slow circles. She looked up at him and when he felt her movement he looked down quickly to ensure she was alright. Seeing her relaxed expression,__he placed a soft kiss to her forehead and went back to his reading. Warm and content,__Vala allowed her head to fall back and her eyes to slowly close, a smile plastered to her face._

--

_Vala's eyes shot open, she lay on her back in bed, the starlight the only light in the room. There was no movement or sound to explain her sudden awakening, but she knew somehow that something wasn't right. As soon as the thought crossed her mind,__Vala felt an excruciating pain in her abdomen. She rolled over towards Daniel's side of the bed, a muffled sob escaping her lips. "Daniel….help…the baby…"_

--

Vala woke with her knees pulled to her chest, her face and pillow soaked from the tears streaming down her face. How could dreams be so real? Create such real emotion, such devastating pain? As she replayed the images again in her mind's eye, tears threatened to form once more. The baby. Her baby? Hers and Daniel's? Vala was still working to wake up and she skittered about in the fuzz and confusion of the space between sleep and awake, trying to discern dreams from reality. But that was the problem, wasn't it. Dreams and reality. She wasn't sure which was which anymore.

Slipping out of her sleeping bag Vala moved silently to open the flap of the tent, careful not to disturb Samantha. She couldn't live with this alone any longer. She stepped out into the cool night, the brisk early morning air washing over her skin, soothing her flushed cheeks. Vala saw Teal'c sitting next to the campfire, vigilant, watching over them all while they slept, and she began to walk towards him. She couldn't hide any longer. She had to know the truth.


	3. Never Really Mine

**Chapter 3 – **_**Never Really Mine**_

_A/N: ok so it's been forever. I feel terrible. Hopefully this doesn't totally suck and at least partially makes up for it. HUGE HUGE HUGE thanks out to my sharikins for her pure unadulterated awesomeness in helping with this. And second big thanks to Milena and LC for their help betaing!!_

--

Heart pumping wildly, Vala forced herself towards the wavering circle of light at the centre of the camp. Though his face was cloaked in shadow, she could tell by the stiffening of his posture that Teal'c was aware of her approach. Her stomach flipped sickeningly, and for a moment she hesitated. It would be so easy to run back to her tent and continue to tell herself these dreams were nothing more than simply that – dreams. But, though she could pretend and lie to her conscious mind, these visions would always be waiting for her in sleep. She couldn't hide, not anymore.

By sheer strength of will, she shoved down the fear fluttering in her chest, clenched her fists against the flight response that was trying to take hold, and closed the last bit of distance between herself and the only person who could tell her the truth.

"ValaMalDoran," Teal'c greeted her evenly, "Are you having difficulty sleeping?" Her reply came in the form of a soft sigh as she moved further into the light, the shadows playing over her body as she crossed the threshold from the darkness that blanketed the rest of the camp. She stood next to the flames for a moment, staring into them then switched her gaze to peer away into the forest. Teal'c waited patiently for her to speak.

Eventually, realizing she could put it off no longer, she decided to dive in. Stumbling to find her words, she began, "On the Odyssey, for all those years, Daniel and I, we were…more than friends, weren't we?" Her hands clasped together in front of her body, her fingers twisting and wringing together as she waited for her answer.

Teal'c was taken aback, not by the question – he had expected it eventually – but by the manner in which it was asked. The haunted look in Vala's eyes was a stark contrast to the mischievous glimmer he had seen during her other inquiries about the alternate timeline; her tone now was both serious and nervous at once instead of the jovial teasing voice she often addressed him with. There was a distinct lack of the banter and references to 'hooking up' that had been present during all her other playful interrogations. Momentarily unable to maintain his silence he asked gently, "Why do you wish to know?"

Vala's gaze flickered over her shoulder in the direction of Daniel's tent, her features softening slightly, but she did not speak. Instead she moved to sit next to Teal'c on the hard ground, mirroring his cross-legged posture.

Teal'c waited but still Vala said nothing, However, the significance of that briefest of glances was not lost on Teal'c. He knew well the emotions behind it, having observed a very similar expression from this woman many times before. He knew how deeply she felt for Daniel, and whether Daniel knew it or not Teal'c knew how deeply the archeologist _could_ feel for her, if he allowed himself to do so. However, Teal'c was also well aware of how much it would take for them to find each other, again. Against his own better judgment he shot her a gentle but knowing glance and spoke once more, "Why not merely tell him the truth?"

Vala's eyes widened in shock but she shook her head quickly with frustration. "Because I don't even know what the truth is anymore!" she exclaimed, suddenly having no patience for Teal'c's usual game of avoidance and diversion – she needed answers. Vala didn't realize there was a stick in her hand until it was flying into the fire, catching alight in an immensely satisfying shower of sparks.

Teal'c didn't even blink at her outburst, and another swell of irritation welled up. Her words tumbled out like an avalanche, picking up speed as she continued. "I've been having all these dreams, or maybe flashbacks, I don't know – but they can't be true. Logically I know that they can't. But the more I have them the more real it all feels and I just…I don't know what's me and what is the dreams and –" She trailed off, catching her breath.

Teal'c looked over at her, one eyebrow raised involuntarily with surprise. She quickly found her stride again and pushed onwards. "In the dreams Daniel and I, we're together and I can – I see it all, it's all there in my head and the emotions are so real, even when I'm awake, and then there's the baby…" She drew a shuddering breath and wrapped her arms around her body as if to ward off a chill. All the fight gone out of her as quickly as it had come, she repeated lowly, "How do I tell him the truth when I can't tell what's real and what's not, Teal'c? You tell me that." Teal'c struggled to maintain a blank mask, clenching his jaw as he stole another glance over at the small woman next to him.

Vala looked up at him, tears that had been held back for too long beginning to overflow one by one. "I have to know, I– "

Teal'c visibly flinched as her voice broke, and he jerked his head forwards to face the fire, no longer able to watch the distraught figure at his side. He remembered the events she spoke of all too well. It had all happened quickly, but the scars that were left behind ran deep.

--

_Teal'c stood in the drab grey hallway alongside General Landry, both watching silently as Colonel Mitchell paced the length of the corridor. Some time ago, General Landry had requested rather ineffectually that the Colonel cease the pointless exercise. Having been met with a blatantly dismissive glance, he had not bothered to speak up about it again. Yet, as the minutes ticked by, his body grew tenser and his face tightened with irritation. For his own part, Teal'c resisted the urge to reach out and physically bring his disgruntled team leader to a halt. If this was Cameron Mitchell's method of conquering stress, so be it._

_A murmur of conversation, muffled and indiscernible, began to trickle through the cold metal walls. Colonel Mitchell stopped short in front of the infirmary door and looked up. The muted bleeping of a heart monitor, until this point masked by the echoes of restless footfalls, reached the ears of all three men at the same moment. It was speeding to a frenzied pace._

_Seconds later, the beeping stalled into a chilling steady tone._

_Colonel Mitchell turned and pounded his fist into the sturdy, unforgiving wall. The dull thud reverberated along the tomblike passageway as he slid slowly to sit on the floor, all but collapsing in on himself. General Landry ran a hand through his hair and sighed deeply. Teal'c continued to watch the door, anticipating the quiet whoosh that would signal the appearance of Colonel Carter. He didn't have to wait long._

_There was no need for words when the infirmary door finally opened. Colonel Carter's shining eyes told them the truth they had all hoped not to hear. _

"_You tried, Colonel," General Landry said, stepping forward to place a comforting hand briefly on her shoulder. Then he looked past her, into the room, and his upright military stance visibly wilted._

"_You can go in, if you want," Colonel Carter stated after a second, voice thick with something Teal'c had only heard a handful of times before. She cleared her throat, and then stepped to the side slightly._

_General Landry hesitated, and then shook his head. "I think this is where I take my leave," he said. "Please give them my condolences."_

_He departed. Eventually, Colonel Mitchell rose from the floor, scrubbed a hand over his red face, and drifted past Colonel Carter into the infirmary. Teal'c followed suit, halting just inside the threshold. _

_Vala lay on the infirmary bed, silent and turned resolutely away from the visitors at her bedside, but from where he stood Teal'c could see her face all too clearly. Eyes closed, tears leaking from beneath her eyelids, lip clamped firmly in her teeth to stifle her sobs. Though Daniel was at her side, one hand clasped tightly in Vala's and the other running through her hair, his touch seemed unable to soothe away this pain. _

_Minutes passed, oddly hushed and uncertain, until Colonel Mitchell let out a deep breath, awkwardly clapped Daniel on the back, and trailed out of the room staring at his shoes. Vala's eyes opened at the sound, and her eyes momentarily locked with Teal'c's. He quickly bowed his head and broke the gaze, trying to allow her a small amount of privacy. Colonel Carter left shortly after that, dropping a quick kiss to Daniel's cheek and stopping at the end of the bed to place a hand on Vala's foot, trying her best to reach out to her. She received no response._

_Teal'c nodded a farewell to her as she passed, but remained where he was for some time, an outsider watching a private pain. Frustration clawed at him as he struggled mutely to come to terms with the fact that this he could not fix. He was a warrior, but the despair that had seeped into every corner of the room was something he could not fight. _

_Eventually, Daniel glanced away from a now fitfully sleeping Vala, and the surprised look on his face confirmed that he had not noticed the Jaffa's continued presence. Teal'c offered to assist in moving the exhausted woman back to their quarters, and after only a moment's indecision Daniel agreed. It was a small, but it was something. The cold clutch of helplessness eased, somewhat. But it did not release._

_That night on the way to his quarters, Teal'c found Colonel Carter standing alone in one of the ship's long, empty corridors, staring out the window. He stepped up next to her without a word, taking in the fixed starscape outside. She looked over at him, jumping slightly at his sudden presence by her side. She opened her mouth several times to speak, but no sound came forth._

"_Do not blame yourself," he said._

_She shook her head at that. Finally pulling her thoughts together she whispered softly, to the stars, to Teal'c, and to herself, "I can't help but wonder if they would have had to go through all of this if I hadn't gotten us stuck on this ship in the first place." _

_Teal'c drew her attention back towards him as he spoke, "And I often wonder if they would have found each other at all were it not for our time here. Life's losses should never overshadow the gifts that it also brings us, Colonel Carter." _

_Moving into the strong circle of his arms quite suddenly, tears that she had forced away earlier for Vala and Daniel's sake finally began to flow. As she began to relax, fatigue finally catching up to her, Teal'c guided her to her quarters. She tried her best to find a way to thank him as she stood in the doorway, but before she could decide what to say he simply nodded his head in his characteristic manner and headed down the corridor. _

_Teal'c did not turn on the lights as he entered his room, the closing door quickly, squeezing out the shaft of brightness that snuck in from the hallway. Immediately moving towards the windowsill, he lit the row of candles that were already lined up against the backdrop of stars; candles of guidance and hope for his son and for Bra'tac, candles of remembrance for his father and for Drey'ac. He added another smaller candle to the end of the row, and after a moment's pause lit it in remembrance of the child of Daniel Jackson and Vala Mal Doran. Sitting down under the window, Teal'c relaxed his own breathing and tried to centre himself in order to meditate – but the small flickering candle on the far side of the sill drew his eye and pulled his mind away from kel'no'reem, refusing to let him rest in peace. _

_In the days that followed, Teal'c fought back his own helplessness and frustration in the only way he knew how; taking control of the situation in the one way he could, by attempting to instill a sense of normalcy, to return the team to the slow routine that was their life aboard the Odyssey. Daniel remained with Vala, doing what little he could to offer comfort, while seeking a sort of comfort of his own, confirming for himself that he had not lost her as well. The rest of the group was far from unaffected though, and Teal'c did his best to watch over his team. Finding General Landry mechanically attacking his garden, trimming it within an inch of its life, Teal'c pulled the pruning shears from the General's hands and quietly reminded him of his weekly chess game with Colonel Mitchell. Several days later he found Colonel Mitchell sitting on the floor among fallen possessions and the remains of his broken furniture. Teal'c offered to accompany the Colonel to the gym for a sparring match. When Mitchell refused, he urged him to go help Colonel Carter with dinner, insistent that he get out of his room and that he not be alone. Meals themselves had gone from a time to gather together and talk, to an utterly silent affair. Despite all the efforts to pull the group back together, there was still a missing piece in their cobbled together family. Daniel joined them as often as possible, but little was said as each person stole glances at Vala's empty seat, and Daniel's tired expression. The absence of Vala's energetic and quirky presence left a gaping and obvious hole. _

_Vala had not emerged from her quarters for over a week when she finally appeared at Teal'c's room, her silhouette blocking out the cold sterile light of the hallway as she stood in the doorway, nervously shifting her weight from one foot to the other._

"_ValaMalDoran, come in," he invited after a quick blink of surprise. She slowly moved into the room, the door shutting behind her, leaving them shrouded in the soft, warm glow that spilled out from the line of candles on the windowsill. Wandering over to the window, Vala looked at each candle in turn. _

"_I light them for my family" Teal'c explained. When Vala reached the final smaller candle she looked up questioningly, and he nodded, understanding immediately what she wished to inquire. Her eyes began to well up as she looked from the large man on the floor to the tiny delicate candle. She shook her head slightly trying to clear away the tears. Leaning against the side of the window she ran her fingers around the base of the candle slowly, reverently. Without looking up she asked, "Do you miss your son, Teal'c?" _

"_Each day that passes I find that I miss him a little more. It is difficult to think that I might not see him again," Teal'c answered. _

_Vala tried to chuckle softly, but the growing lump in her throat choked the sound. "So you're saying this isn't going to get any easier." Teal'c said nothing, only watching as she moved to sit next to him, her eyes staying on the row of candles and their flickering lights. "How can I miss something that I never really had so terribly?" she whispered, looking up at him helplessly when she failed to find the answer within herself._

"_I believe you know as well as I that you will always mourn those you have lost, ValaMaldoran. You now face the challenge of allowing those losses to be a part of you, without letting them consume you completely."_

_She nodded slightly, then smiled a somewhat watery – yet genuine - smile. "Why, Muscles, I do believe that's the most I've ever heard you say."_

_A companionable stillness settled over them. If he was surprised when her hand crept into his, he did not show it. Instead, his large fingers slowly closed around her small ones as they continued to watch the flames flickering in front of them. _

--

As Vala watched Teal'c stare into the fire, the reflection of the flames darting and jumping in his dark eyes, emotions dancing across his face, a dreadful certainty settled in her throat.

"I haven't imagined it, have I? It's all true? All of it – Daniel, me, the baby? Everything?" she choked out, quickly standing to move around the fire, unable to sit still under the weight of this new knowledge. Teal'c watched her from the other side of the flames as she moved back and forth, pieces of sentences, of questions, escaping half-formed, her hands moving through her hair, over her face, clenching into fists as a thousand emotions coursed through her body all at once. She fixated on him again – the pain clear and sharp in her eyes. "So it's true?! It's all true?" she repeated, voice rising.

Teal'c clenched his jaw as he watched her, the pain that the memories were causing was obvious in the slump of her shoulders, the isolation and confusion bearing down heavily on her. He knew that the weight he carried would look very much the same if he allowed the others to see it. He was again, as he had been so many times in his life, filled with an irrepressible sense of helplessness, of loss of control, of frustration. He had taken on this burden – it was meant to be his alone. He tried to pull his features into their normal stoic formation; it would be better – for both of them – if the memories stayed locked away. He had vowed to Sam, to all of them, that he would not speak of their time on the Odyssey. They had agreed not to let it affect the restored timeline in any way, that things should take their own course. The desperate look on Vala's face pleaded with him, he could see the same lonely pain he knew so well in her expression and he battled inwardly with the decision to uphold his promise or offer what little comfort he could to his friend. His gaze dropped to the leaping fire that separated them, "ValaMalDoran, the truth you seek is in your heart."

"Teal'c," Vala moved to kneel down in front of him, placing her small pale hands on either side of his face, forcing him to look at her, "please." The pain and sorrow that slipped unbidden into his tired eyes made her draw back in surprise. Teal'c held Vala's gaze for a long moment before his eyes darted back to the flames behind her. She moved back to her position at his side, leaning against his arm as the wood in the fire crackled and popped, the sparks floating silently up into the night sky, blinking out of existence, one by one.

--

Teal'c and Vala sat next to the fire for hours, unmoving, as it flickered and eventually died out. They remained there in the shadows until the glow of early dawn began to creep through the surrounding forest. "So it's true." Vala finally whispered softly, her voice barely loud enough to break the long, heavy silence. Her voice wavered but the phrase was no longer a question. As the sun peeked over the horizon, burning away the early morning mist, Teal'c simply reached over and took her hand.

--

…_I know you were never really mine_

_You were given to me_

_On borrowed time._


	4. Author's Note

Hey guys i'm sorry this is taking so long. Real life has been crazy. But i'm leaving for France at the end of the month and I promise this fic will be done before then :)

In the meantime a couple of snippets of what i've been working with...hopefully it will keep you interested for when the chapter finally makes its appearance...

**Won't Be Easy**

--

_Now I know I must be strong,_

_For what else can I do_

_Won't be easy to go on_

_But I must learn to live_

_Without you…_

--

She didn't just dream of the _Odyssey _anymore. Instead, when Vala turned off her light and closed her eyes, she saw all the torturous what-ifs that she desperately tried to ignore in the light of day.

--

When she wasn't with him she could forget – like she forgot everything else – but being around Daniel brought every ache, every pain, every wish rushing back in an overwhelming tidal wave.

--

"Look Vala, I don't know what you've been playing at these days. Is this some new plan to seduce me? The old one wasn't working, so you thought you'd change tactics? Sam is HURT, General O'Neill is flying in from Washington! This is NOT the time. Now get out of my way."


	5. Won't Be Easy

A/N: So it's been forever and I feel awful. On the upside there will be two chapters in quick succession because I wrote this chapter and it ended up approaching 6000 words so i've broken it into two. Hopefully it is alright and somewhat makes up for the long long ...long...wait. reviews are love.

_**Chapter 4 - Won't Be Easy**_

_Now I know I must be strong,_

_For what else can I do_

_Won't be easy to go on_

_But I must learn to live_

_Without you…_

X X X

_(from Chapter 3)...Teal'c and Vala sat next to the fire for hours, unmoving, as it flickered and eventually died out. They remained there in the shadows until the glow of early dawn began to creep through the surrounding forest. "So it's true." Vala finally whispered softly, her voice barely loud enough to break the long, heavy silence. Her voice wavered but the phrase was no longer a question. As the sun peeked over the horizon, burning away the early morning mist, Teal'c simply reached over and took her hand._

X X X

The sun had already climbed over the trees by the time the rest of the team began to stir. Vala remained in the same curled up position in which she had sat for the past several hours, Teal'c moving carefully around her as he carried out the motions of early morning. Before long Cameron and Daniel were crawling clumsily out from under the flap of their tent, apparently called to wakefulness by the sweet aroma of the coffee Teal'c had set brewing. Sam wasn't far behind.

As the three of them sat quietly nursing their steaming beverages, Sam noticed Cameron was already pouring his second cup. "I didn't think you were a big coffee drinker, Cam," she said in surprise.

"Normally not, but you _see,_ Sam," Cameron drawled slowly. "I had a lot of trouble sleeping last night. Kept waking up thinkin' I was about to be strangled. Can't imagine _why_, though." He shot a pointed look in Daniel's direction. The only response was a string of incoherent mumbling, from which only the phrases 'stupid comments' and 'awful snoring' could be picked out. Cameron waved an accusing finger. "There, you hear Mr. Negativity over there? It's a wonder I'm alive this morning."

"And becoming a greater wonder with every passing second," Daniel said darkly.

"This has been a frustrating excursion for all of us," Teal'c offered, glancing up from where he was now repacking the canister of instant coffee. "It is not surprising that tempers may run short. Especially as I can attest to the fact that you do, indeed, snore quite loudly Colonel Mitchell."

Cameron looked affronted, then smirked and said, "Ah, maybe that's it. Frustration." He lifted his eyebrows up and down suggestively, then glanced over at Vala, anticipating that she would pick up the thread of his Daniel-prodding. It was, after all, one of her preferred activities. The woman in question, however, was not paying attention to the exchange going on between her teammates. She sat poking at the flames with a long branch, creating little explosions of sparks under the coffee pot, a glazed look in her eyes.

Cameron cleared his throat awkwardly, and his knee, which had been bouncing up and down in a caffeine induced fervor, slowed to a stop. "So…" he said, after another moment of tense silence, "who's coming with me to take Pinky and the Brain back to the ruins?"

Daniel narrowed his eyes as he stood and grabbed his backpack, broadcasting the general idea of 'unamused' to everyone gathered in the centre of the campsite, and possibly a good portion of the surrounding wildlife.

"Come on Vala," he said automatically, as he swung the bag's straps over his shoulders. When there was no reply, he looked over at her expectantly. It was as if she was staring at something no one else could see, her eyes blank and unfocused.

"Hey. Vala. What's going on with you?" Daniel asked, his voice, tinged with a slight tone of impatience, growing louder. He waved a hand through her line of vision.

She blinked and looked up at him with a startled expression. Then she glanced at the others as though just realizing she was not alone by the fire. "Nothing," she replied finally. Her voice sounded empty and noncommittal.

Daniel regarded her appraisingly, about to argue the point when Teal'c interjected, "Colonel Mitchell you may go ahead with DanielJackson and Colonel Carter. ValaMaldoran has expressed her wish to join me in completing our check-in with General Landry at the gate. We will stand watch until you meet us there for our scheduled departure this afternoon."

"Oh…kay…" Daniel drew the word out as he looked from Teal'c back to Vala, confusion causing his brow to furrow. At length he shook his head, then turned and headed back in the direction of the forest, his mind quickly becoming preoccupied once more by the puzzling ruins. Sam got up to follow.

With a disgruntled sigh Cameron rose as well. "Sure, send me off with the guy who just threatened to kill me!" he muttered. "If y'all never hear from me again, tell my gramma I love her."

"I will do so, Colonel Mitchell," Teal'c said somberly, the barest hint of amusement visible in the way his mouth quirked slightly upwards.

Cameron nodded. "Thanks man, knew you'd have my back when the chips fell. Vala –," here, he tipped his cap, "- it's been real."

Wandering away from the fire, a good gap between himself and the duo that was just disappearing into the tree line, he tried not to think too hard about Vala's unnatural silence, or how very distant she'd seemed. He didn't need another item for his mental list of Reasons to Worry About the Alien Chick.

The past few weeks had given him more than enough.

X X X

A week later Vala awoke from yet another dream, and was met with the all too familiar sensation of a pillow dampened by tears. She couldn't help but ruefully think of how very wrong she could be sometimes. A short week ago, she had honestly believed that knowing the truth about her visions of SG-1's time on the _Odyssey_ would ease the conflicted feelings within her. Now, she knew much better.

The confirmation that her dreams were not dreams at all, but memories – that everything she had been seeing, every moment, every kiss, every pain, had actually occurred in some other time and place - had only served to dredge up a new slew of confusion and heartache. It was increasingly difficult to look at Daniel and force herself to see the friend, unattainable and off limits, that she had come to know. He had once been so much more to her. He _could_ be so much more to her, maybe, if she were to just find the words to ask for it. Yet, the longer she took to sort out what those words might be, the more daunting the task became. A part of her, one that grew exponentially with every passing day, wondered whether she should speak up at all. The risk seemed far too great, the outcome far too unclear.

Teal'c watched her now. Vala had noticed this one day, when she looked up from her Cosmo just in time to see his eyes flickering away from her general vicinity. After that, somehow his calculating gaze seemed to always be turned upon her. She could feel it boring into her when he thought she didn't know he was there. She could see the barely masked worry in his eyes when he spoke to her.

The worst part was, Vala could understand it. Really, she could. She imagined that if she were to take a step outside her body and just observe herself she probably wouldn't like what she saw, either. She wasn't sleeping much, and when she did, it was restless and interrupted. She didn't just dream of the _Odyssey _anymore. When Vala turned off her lamp and closed her eyes, she also saw all the torturous what ifs and what could be's that she desperately tried to suppress in the light of day. It had begun to show. She was left pale and drawn, with dark smudges underneath her eyes that she really couldn't be bothered to cover up. And, she knew she wasn't acting herself. Flirting with random airmen just wasn't very fun anymore. Neither was propositioning Teal'c or Mitchell. And, it was just a little too hard to be cheery. Sometimes, it took everything out of her just to smile.

X X X

_Vala rolled over to find Daniel already wide-awake, reading the thick Sunday paper. As she moved closer to him, leaning her head on his arm, Vala breathed in his scent and wondered how she had made it through the last two weeks without him. Her mind then went the extra step further to wonder just what she would have done if he hadn't come back from his last mission. A fear that, over the past twenty-four hours, had been a frighteningly real possibility. Wrapping an arm around him she felt his chest move as he breathed deeply, relaxed, and felt herself relax in turn. She picked at the corner of his newspaper absently, looking up to find him smiling down at her. _

_She allowed a small smile to spread across her own features. "You know, darling, I never thought I'd say this, but sometimes I wish you would just stay in your office with your dusty old books instead of gallivanting around the galaxy. It seems much less deadly somehow," she said softly as she buried her face into his chest, placing feather light kisses on the skin she found there. Daniel placed his newspaper aside and ran his fingers through her hair. He just opened his mouth to reply when a quiet voice interrupted them._

"_Up."_

_Both Daniel and Vala looked over to the side of the bed to see a tiny set of fingers grasping the edge of the mattress, quickly followed by the appearance of a round-cheeked little face topped with a mop of dark hair._

"_Up," the little girl repeated, flush with the excitement. _

_Vala looked at Daniel and then back at her daughter. "Last time I checked you were secure in your crib young lady," she said with a smirk._

_Daniel chuckled and caught Vala's eye. "Well she is her mother's daughter," he replied teasingly. Reaching down he pulled the child up onto the bed and settled her between them._

_The child immediately snuggled into Daniel's side. Vala's smile widened. "It looks like I wasn't the only one who missed you."_

_The three of them were silent for several long minutes, basking in the warm, bright glow of the early morning sun streaming in through the window. Daniel looked over at Vala with a mischievous grin. "I can think of one thing she probably didn't miss," he said, laughing as he began to tickle the little girl mercilessly. The squeals and giggles of the small child filled the room and Vala couldn't help but grin and join in._

X X X

The empty feeling Vala felt when she woke should have been familiar by now. She wished she could just bury these thoughts and memories as she had so done with many others over the years. But, somehow, these dreams still cut into her a little deeper each time she awoke cold and alone. She longed to reach over and find his warm body next to hers, but instead the expanse of empty sheets seemed to stretch on forever as the silent darkness pressed in around her.

She comforted herself by thinking sternly, _Tomorrow night will be better._

It never was.

X X X

Vala sat at a table alone in the corner of the commissary, files and papers spread out around her. She downed the last of her third cup of coffee before turning her focus to the stack of unfinished mission reports that sat on the table next to the remains of her late dinner. She picked up a pen and began to work. She had been hoping to avoid sleeping as long as possible but she should have known better than to choose mission reports as her stimulant. Before long her cheek met with page 4 of her report on their latest mission to P4X-989 and she was fast asleep.

X X X

_Vala walked down the deserted corridor, the base eerily quiet around her. Reaching the familiar door to Daniel's lab she noticed it was slightly ajar and pushed it open._

_Daniel was leaning over the desk, his back to the door. She halted her movement and heard him murmuring something as he moved papers around on the desk. _

"_Daniel_,_" she whispered softly, trying to catch his attention without startling him. As he turned to look at her, a bright smile spread across his face. That's when she noticed the small figure seated in front of him, previously hidden from her view. A small figure with dark brown pigtails hunched over the piles of scrolls scattered across the tabletop. _

_Daniel reached down and gave one of her pigtails a gentle tug. "Someone's here to see what you've been up to_._" _

_The child turned and looked up at Daniel before turning to look over her shoulder. The familiar azure blue eyes and wide grin assaulted Vala's senses as the child jumped off the tall stool and ran over to grasp her hand._

"_Mummy!"_

X X X

Vala awoke with a jolt to find the same striking blue eyes staring down at her, the concern they held quickly masked as she sat up, rubbing her hands over her face. The overhead lights had been dimmed, indicating how late it had grown. He continued to watch her over the rim of his coffee cup as he slid into the chair across the table. She tried to focus on Daniel but the ghost of a little girl with his eyes continued to move across her blurred vision.

"Vala, what are you staring at?" he asked quietly.

She attempted to plaster a grin across her face. "Just making sure I wasn't still dreaming," she countered quickly with a wink.

Daniel rolled his eyes but grinned slightly and pushed the second cup of steaming coffee from his hand across the table to her. "You know if you've lost the keycard for your room I'm sure I can find someone to let you in, no need to sleep at the dinner table."

"Very funny, darling. I was just," she gestured towards the scattered files and empty coffee cups, "working," she finished, dropping her hands back to the table and grasping the warm coffee cup Daniel offered her.

Daniel looked from the red creases on Vala's cheek to the damp smudges on the papers in front of her. "Made lots of progress?" he asked with a smirk. Vala just snorted in reply, gathering up her papers haphazardly and piling them to the side.

They sat in companionable silence for several minutes drinking their coffee, eyes meeting over the rims of their cups before Vala worked up the nerve to speak. "Daniel, do you…I mean, have you…" She stuttered to get the question out, "Don't you ever wonder about what happened during all those years on the Odyssey?"

He looked at her thoughtfully before replying, "I would be lying if I said I hadn't thought about it. I can't help but think it must be eating Teal'c up to know so much and not be able to say a word."

Vala's heart jumped up in her throat and she took a breath before pushing onwards, knowing full well how far outside her carefully constructed walls she was putting herself.

"So, do you ever wonder if maybe you and I...on the Odyssey…if we had a relationship of some sort?"

He chuckled quietly into his coffee. "A relationship Vala? You and I?" He looked up at her, brow furrowed, his expression a mixture of apprehension, confusion and annoyance. "I can't even imagine what that would be like! You can't be serious."

For a moment Vala wasn't sure what to say as her heart dropped from her throat right down to her shoes. She shook her head, trying to recover from the emotional blow. Daniel looked down, not noticing her turmoil, and was quickly enthralled with his own file that he had been carrying under his arm when he first arrived. Vala tried to gather herself together and with a deep breath she swung her hair over her shoulder and pushed herself up from her seat.

"No, of course not, Daniel." She moved around the table, neglecting to take her paperwork with her. "I just like to see your forehead wrinkle up like that." She ran a finger over his brow, allowing her hand to linger just a few seconds too long in his hair as she walked past him.

"Vala, please," came his distracted and slightly annoyed voice from behind the large file he held in front of his face.

Vala's hand dropped to her side and she turned to leave. She held her head high as she walked briskly towards the main doors.

Daniel looked up at the sound of them swinging shut behind her, too late to see how Vala's shoulders slumped and she folded in on herself the moment she was out of the commissary.

X X X

After that, she began to avoid Daniel more and more. It was just easier. Being around him brought every ache, every pain, every wish rushing back in an overwhelming tidal wave, and that was one thing she didn't need. So, instead, she played basketball with Cameron, who agreed to a game of one-on-one no matter the hour; she helped Sam in her lab, and wasn't even tempted to harass Dr. Lee as she normally would have; she meditated with Teal'c, who knew enough not to ask how she was doing.

She also watched a lot of television, and this was precisely the activity she had chosen to occupy her time with when a knock came at her door late one night.

Daniel entered swiftly, before she could even get out a 'Hello.' The moment she clicked the door shut behind him, a rush of words began to pour out of his mouth.

"Are you avoiding me?" he asked. "Because you're with the others all the time, but you haven't been to my office all week. So logically you can see that's the conclusion I'd reach." He paused briefly, then amended, "Well, either that or you're all secretly plotting world domination without me. But that doesn't really make all that much sense. Maybe for you, but Teal'c's not the world domination type, and I'm pretty sure if Sam is we'd have been living in the Republic of Carter a long time ago."

Vala tilted her head to the side as she searched for a way to respond, hesitant to let herself hope it was her absence that had him so disconcerted and ruffled, and unwilling to risk letting him know that she really wished it was. "My, aren't we being a little melodramatic. If you need something done in your office Daniel, just ask. As far as I know I didn't leave anything unfinished," she ventured.

"That is _so not_ the point!" he exclaimed, waving his hands a little in frustration.

An annoying swell of hope burst in her chest even as she attempted to keep up her habitual mask. "Then what _is_ the point, Daniel? You're kind of confusing me, here, what with all this talk of taking over the planet."

"I want to know why you're avoiding me."

She was saved from formulating an answer when klaxons began wailing, reverberating loudly through the hallways.

"Unscheduled Offworld Activation"

Vala hoped it wasn't anything too serious. Otherwise, she would have some severe guilt to deal with on top of everything else, for she felt only relief as Daniel ran out.


	6. Let Go

A/N: All would have been lost without shari: the goofiness of cam, the voice of daniel, the pb to my j, the bacon to my eggs, the galoshes to my umbrella, the ice cream to my cone, the H 2 my O, the milk to my shake, the rock to my roll, and the dumb to my dumber. ((hugs)). thanks to milenad and aerynb for the beta this time :D you guys rock.

**Chapter 5 – Let Go**

_Now it's time to let go_

_It's just part of the plan…_

_xxx_

Daniel walked quickly towards the infirmary, unaware of anything but the warm coffee mug in his hand and the myriad of thoughts and memories that were spinning dizzily through his head. An airman he vaguely recognized – Johnson? Jamison? – coming from the opposite direction nodded at him, and Daniel absently returned the gesture. A few steps after the brief exchange, his pace faltered and the revolving images in his mind stilled. For the first time since he'd begun his search for caffeine, Daniel truly noticed how very empty the hallways of the SGC were; a stark contrast to the uproar and chaos of a few hours ago.

He still wasn't sure how things had gotten so bad so very quickly. When the klaxons began sounding he had been up and out the door before he knew it, pulled to the control room by reflexes that his years at the SGC had honed well. It was only as he had joined the flow of military men armed to the teeth that he heard rumblings of what had happened. SG-7, and with them Sam, had been investigating some ancient technology on P3C-553 when they had come under fire from Ori troops.

But whatever he'd heard, he couldn't have been prepared for what awaited him when he reached his destination. As he reached the control room his eyes went straight to Sam. She was falling back onto the ramp in front of the stargate, just clear of the event horizon. The wormhole immediately snapped shut with a silencing finality and a stunned hush filling the room. Then, the yell of someone calling for a medical team – Landry, probably – and a flurry of activity.

Daniel had launched himself down the stairs and into the gateroom without a second thought, running towards the ramp, desperate to do something, anything, to stem the flow of blood he could see pooling around her. Up close, he could see she was unconscious, and he didn't know whether he was thankful or all the more scared. There was a large wound on her back, another on her shoulder near her neck. And too much red.

Panic, rough and angry, was clawing at him by the time the medics arrived and pulled him away from where he kneeled on the steel grating beside her, pressing down futilely onto the already soaked-through field dressings.

Everything was blur after that: running alongside the gurney to the infirmary; meeting up with Mitchell on the way and trying to answer his frantic questions; Vala, already in the infirmary, her worried face an oddly comforting presence against a sea of tight-lipped medical personnel. But he could still remember with sickening clarity the blood…on his hands, on the gateroom floor…everywhere.

Sam had slipped into a coma after her rushed surgery. Now they were playing the waiting game, and if anything Daniel felt even more helpless. Unable to do anything but be there. He had left Sam's side only to place the necessary call to Washington, and, more recently, to appease a concerned yet forceful Dr. Lam.

When the elevator - which he couldn't even remember getting into - slowed to a stop and its doors slid open, Daniel surfaced once again from his reminiscences and glanced at his watch. Seeing that he had been gone for over half an hour, he quickened his steps, agitation suddenly swelling up within him. He had conceded to take a shower and visit the commissary for a quick caffeine fix, but he had about reached the limit to the amount of time he was willing to be absent from his vigil – no matter how sternly Dr. Lam would glare at him when he returned. The tunnel-vision desire to return to his hard, plastic chair beside Sam's bed as fast as possible was so strong that he didn't notice Vala until he was practically on top of her.

"Vala!" he snapped, surprise quickly turning to irritation as he was forced to screech to a halt, steaming hot coffee sloshing over the mug's rim and spilling onto his fingers. "What do you think you're doing?" He switched the mug over to his other hand and attempted to shake some of the burning liquid off his slightly scorched digits.

"Looking for you, actually. I just came from sitting with Sam. I thought you'd be there as well," she replied, raising an eyebrow.

"Needed coffee," he replied, lifting the item into her line of sight even as his own eyes wandered past her shoulder to stare at the hallway beyond. "But, as you can see, I'm headed back now, so…" He tried to move around her, only to have his escape thwarted when she reached out and grabbed his arm.

"Daniel, have you slept yet?"

He didn't meet her gaze and simply muttered, "Vala, I have to get back, she could wake up. And I guarantee you, whatever you're about to say, I've already heard it from Dr. Lam, anyway."

Vala reached up to cup his chin with her free hand, forcing him to look at her. "Daniel, I know this must be difficult, but, there's nothing you can…"

"Vala, I don't have time for this. I need to get back to the infirmary." He jerked his chin backwards, out of her grasp, then looked pointedly to where she still gripped his arm.

She didn't let go.

"Daniel, you have to know I'm worried, too. Sam is my friend as well." Daniel's only response was to shift from foot to foot in increasing agitation. Sighing, Vala continued, "I just think maybe…look, I'm worried about you. You've not slept properly for days and now this, and…"

Daniel could practically feel the seconds ticking by, and he'd had enough. "Look Vala, I don't know what you've been playing at these days - avoiding me, and then coming to me acting all concerned," he infused the word with a scorn so strong she winced, "when you know damn well you'd still be jumping through hoops to avoid me if this had never happened. So whatever you think you're doing right now, just stop it. This is NOT the time, and I'm not in the mood to deal with you. Just get out of my way." He tried once more to step around her and like before she moved to block his path, placing both hands none-too-gently on his chest to try and hold his attention.

"I'm just trying to make sure you're all right! I care about you, though I can't think WHY at the moment, but – "

Daniel cut off the flow of hastily spoken words tumbling out of her mouth. "Vala, Sam could wake up any second, or she could…she could…" He shook his head sharply, not wanting to follow that thought to completion. "I need to be there! A member of my team – one of my BEST FRIENDS – is hurt, I really don't care right now about YOU and your GAMES!"

Vala stepped back as if physically struck, her hands dropping to her sides awkwardly. She stared at him, an indefinable expression on her face. When she spoke, her voice was tightly controlled. "Well, then. It's good to know where I stand."

Disbelievingly, Daniel rolled his eyes. "Oh, _don't_ act like you're hurt."

The indeterminable expression morphed into defiance. "Who's acting?!" Vala asked loudly, throwing up her hands into the air and casting a sarcastic look around the empty hallway. "I'm not, and it's painfully obvious that you're not pulling any punches."

"Vala…"

"No, really. Has it actually never even entered your mind that this might not be just another one of my games? That maybe I actually – now, brace yourself – have feelings that you've just trampled all over?"

"WHY?" Daniel demanded, crossing his arms in front of him, his carefully held coffee sloshing dangerously in the process, and raising his eyebrows.

"Why what?"

"Why should I think that? What reason have you ever given me to believe that you're capable of even one ounce of emotional honesty? Or that it's possible for you to act without some sort of self-serving, ulterior motive? That why. I'm curious." He looked at her with mock expectancy.

Vala's mouth opened and closed a few times unable to form a coherent reply.

"Yeah, that's what I thought," Daniel said. He pushed past her, and this time she offered no resistance.

_xxx_

As Daniel's footfalls faded into the distance, Vala stood alone in the hallway, frozen, willing the angry tears gathering in her eyes not to fall.

Why couldn't he understand? Why didn't he see _her_?

She wanted desperately to talk to Sam, or Teal'c, but that was of course out of the question. Teal'c had left several days ago to spend some time with Ry'ac, and Sam…

Vala hadn't had a close female friend since she was a child, and seeing Sam lying there pale and immobile had shaken her more than it should have. Worse was the knowledge that she could do nothing to help. She had attempted to heal Sam's injuries with the Goa'uld healing device that was still in storage in the infirmary, but there was too much damage. The guilt over this failure had added a new ache to her already bruised heart.

Vala hadn't felt so alone in a long time.

Her new world crumbling around her, old instincts took over. She needed to get out. Now.

Turning quickly Vala headed for the elevator.

This, a little voice in her head reminded her, is what comes from getting too close to people. This is what happens when you care – you give away the power to tear you apart.

_xxx_

The muted noise of Teal'c's boots on the infirmary floor roused Daniel from a restless slumber several hours later. He sat up more fully in his chair and winced at the _ping_ he could practically hear in his neck. Blinking blearily, he looked up at Teal'c and said quite intelligently, "Oh. You're back."

Teal'c inclined his head in a gesture Daniel had seen a thousand times before. The familiarity was oddly comforting. "Indeed. I came as soon as I was able." Though his voice was hushed, it sparked a rustle of movement from somewhere else in the curtained "room", and Daniel became aware with a jolt of surprise that Jack had arrived as well. He was now stationed at the head of Sam's bed, dozing lightly. A glance to the side confirmed that Mitchell was also present, spread out on an unused infirmary bed, one leg hanging off the side and one arm thrown over his face to block out the dim light.

Daniel scrubbed a hand over his face and scanned the room for his coffee mug, only to find it disappointingly empty on the floor beside him. He sighed heavily and shifted in his seat.

"Would you like to sit?" Daniel whispered, indicating the chair he was currently using. Teal'c declined with another tilt of his head, but did come to stand beside him, one large, warm hand resting on Daniel's shoulder.

Neither said anything more, and for a long while the only sound in the room was the chiming of Sam's heart monitor, the rhythmic beat counting off the seconds and minutes as they passed by in agonizingly slow fashion.

Then, suddenly, she stirred.

Daniel quickly stood and moved closer to the bed. Watching her eyelids flutter, something that had been coiled within him slowly unwound. For his part, Jack snapped awake, somehow aware of the subtle change even though he had been dead to the world moments before. The look on his face as he leaned forward and gripped her pale hand in both of his larger ones was filled with such relief, such heartbreaking joy, that Daniel had to look away. The moment felt too private to watch.

"Mitchell, get over here," he barked over his shoulder instead. Suddenly feeling lighter, he was almost able to laugh when Cameron nearly fell off the bed in his rush to join them.

"Was that necessary?" Cam asked, stumbling over. One eye was still squinted shut against the light. "A simple nudge would've been fine. Were you raised in a zoo, Jackson?"

"Colonel Carter is waking up," Teal'c said.

"Correction: Colonel Carter _is_ awake," Sam slurred in a croaky voice.

Cameron's irritation melted away into an elated grin. "And me without my macaroons."

Sam smiled tiredly up at him and mumbled, "I'll manage."

"Should someone not alert Doctor Lam?"

"Perhaps, Teal'c, perhaps," Jack offered in a sage voice. "That may be wise. Although you know," here he raised a finger jauntily in the air, "I somehow feel that would end in our expulsion from this lovely, lovely medical facility. So then again, perhaps not."

Daniel rolled his eyes. "Jack."

"Daniel?"

"Jack." He was met with an expression of pure innocence. Daniel sighed. "…Right, what am I thinking…Well, I'm going to be a _grown up_ now and go alert Sam's_ doctor_ that she's come out of her _coma_."

"You do that," Jack said, smiling brightly.

"I will accompany you, DanielJackson." Teal'c then sent Mitchell a significant look that went unnoticed.

Daniel pursed his lips and rocked back and forth on his heels once. "Um, Mitchell?"

"Yeah?"

"Don't you have a…thing?"

Cameron scrunched up his face in confusion. "Er, no?"

"I do believe DanielJackson is correct, Colonel Mitchell."

Daniel could see the moment when realization dawned. _"__Oh_, yeah. _That_ thing. Right, I should…yeah."

The trio bid their goodbyes and left Sam and Jack trading amused looks in their wake.

_xxx_

"Maybe someone should let Vala know Carter's awake," Mitchell said as they meandered through the hallways of the SGC a few minutes later. "Haven't seen her in a while."

Daniel had been so distracted he hadn't even realized. He glanced around him as if expecting her to appear. "Huh." He furrowed his brow, wondering where she could be. Now that he was aware of her absence, it seemed wrong, somehow.

"It is late," Teal'c offered, probably in response to his expression. "Perhaps she has retired for the evening."

"Maybe," Daniel agreed. "You guys go on, I'll see if I can find her."

Once he reached her quarters, he hesitated only briefly before knocking. When no answer was immediately forthcoming, and not even the sound of a pillow being thrown at the door reached his ears, Daniel knocked again. "Vala?" he called.

Still no response.

A cold knot sunk to the pit of his stomach. He hadn't thought much about their altercation in the hallway since it had occurred, but now the memory came back to him full force. He squashed a small flicker of guilt and tried rapping on the door just one more time, knowing it would be useless before his knuckles even made contact with the smooth surface.


	7. Someday

**Chapter 6 – Someday**

A/N: Again, all would have been lost without shari: well I think we both lost our minds trying to FINALLY FINALLY FINALLY finish this but you wouldn't have what you have without her help. She is the macaroni to my cheese and the ham to my burger. ((huggles)) you rock sweetie.

and many many many many thanks to aerynb for being such an awwwesome beta. cause she's awesome.

…_So many answers we don't know,_

_Someday we'll understand,_

_Someday…_

_--_

"I can't find Vala."

Mitchell looked up from where he was seated on the floor of his quarters and commented idly, "Way to knock, Jackson."

Daniel cocked his head to the side in order to fully take in the picture, momentarily distracted from his purpose. He drew in a breath as he tried to get his thoughts in order and then expelled it in a considering, "Huh."

Mitchell frowned suspiciously. "What?"

"Are you…is that a GameBoy?"

"Yes. Sometimes I like to play to unwind. It's relaxing…and _fun_."

"Huh," Daniel said again after a brief pause in which Cameron stared at him defensively. He tried to figure out if the USAF Colonel was blushing or if it was just the light, then he just shrugged. "Well, fair enough."

Mitchell's face broke into a smile. He set the game down and stood, asking, "So Vala's missing?"

As Daniel explained, his stomach returned to the twisted state it had been in ever since he had realized Vala wasn't in her quarters.

"I've looked everywhere I could think of. But I thought maybe – well, she's not…I haven't seen a lot of her lately." Daniel tripped clumsily over the words, something within him resistant to the idea of admitting that he thought she'd been avoiding him. Or, maybe the problem was that he didn't trust himself not to reveal how much it bothered him at the same time.

"Ah…yeah," Mitchell said in a careful tone that made Daniel's heart thud painfully in his chest. "She's been kinda off. I didn't know you'd noticed." He reached up to rub at the back of his neck awkwardly.

Daniel was torn between blurting out the defensive, "Of _course_ I noticed!" that so badly wanted to roll off his tongue and staring in horrified bewilderment because he really _hadn't_. Sure, he'd realized Vala was unwilling to get within 100 yards of him, but that didn't account for the way Mitchell looked suddenly wearier, or how his last words had somehow dripped with the faintest hints of…something. Exasperation? Resentment? Clearly, something else was going on.

"I -," Daniel began, then cut himself short. He stared dumbly, instead.

"You…didn't realize, did you." It was a statement, not a question. Mitchell drew back his head a little and looked at him as if he were a particularly perplexing puzzle. "Really, Jackson? She's been moping around here for _weeks_. I wasn't playing all that b-ball with her for _fun_, you know." He pointed at his head, becoming a bit more animated in his disbelief. "She pulls hair!"

"Alright!" Daniel finally managed to get out, moving his hands to convey the universal gesture of 'simmer down'. "I'm sorry that she pulled your hair and beat you at one-on-one – "

"She didn't beat me," Mitchell muttered. "It just hurt. That's all."

"– but that's really not the point!" Daniel finished, speaking over Mitchell's interruption. "Do you have any idea where she might be? Somewhere I wouldn't know to think of? This is important."

"You could try Teal'c's. I think she's been meditating with him…maybe you just missed her."

Daniel said a rushed thank you and turned to leave.

"Hey, Jackson?"

He pivoted on his heels and raised his eyebrows in acknowledgment.

Mitchell said haltingly, looking all the while as if he wished the floor would swallow him up, "Look, I don't know what's been going on but…when you find her, go easy, okay? Sometimes you can get a bit – harsh – with her. And hell, I know she's a piece of work, but she's been in rough shape, I don't know how you missed it. So – just try and cut her a break."

Daniel nodded once and then ducked out of the room. He tried hard not feel the sharp sting of Mitchell's words as he made his way to Teal'c's quarters, but they bit into him just the same.

Teal'c was in the hallway outside his door – alone – when Daniel arrived at his destination, one hand in the process of turning the doorknob, the other grasping the bag he used when offworld visiting the Jaffa. He must have gone straight to the infirmary when he heard the news about Sam, only now taking the time to return his personal effects to his quarters and unpack.

"May I help you, DanielJackson?"

"I was looking for Vala," Daniel said, unable to keep disappointment from seeping into his voice. "I can't find her, and Mitchell thought she might be with you. But, obviously, she's not. So…"

"I see." Teal'c studied him, and Daniel felt himself shrink a little under the gaze. A strange feeling, because despite the Jaffa's size, Daniel had never actually felt small in his presence before. "It is most disappointing we cannot share the good news of Colonel Carter's recovery with her."

Maybe it was the knowing expression on Teal'c's face, the one that said he knew there was more to the story. Or, maybe it was the spark of shame that it provoked. But, whatever the reason, suddenly the guilt Daniel had been trying to hold at bay ever since he realized Vala was missing – or possibly ever since that argument in the corridor earlier today – burst from the box he had carefully placed it in. "We argued," Daniel said shortly. Then, compelled to go on, he added, "I said some things. And she just gave me this…she was acting all hurt and I didn't believe it. I mean, it's Vala! She's… she's Vala!"

He glanced at Teal'c in appeal, begging him to nod his agreement, to show he understood. To confirm that no, Vala probably wasn't actually upset by the things he had said. But that absolution didn't come. Teal'c just watched him, his face a mild mask giving away nothing, and Daniel found words continuing to pour out of his mouth in the vacuum of silence. "But she's not _here_. And Mitchell said she's been upset lately, and I didn't even realize it, which is just…awful of me, because I'm supposed to be…and…she said she wasn't acting but I didn't believe it. I was frustrated, and upset about Sam, and I told her to stop messing with me…"

Daniel wasn't sure any longer if he was talking to Teal'c or to himself, but he did know that it was possibly the most ineloquently he had ever spoken. He clamped his lips shut, shoved his hands into his pockets, and stared at the light fixture just behind Teal'c's left ear.

At length Teal'c said, "I believe you would not be feeling such conflict if you did not yourself think you had truly hurt her."

And that _was_ the crux of the matter, wasn't it? Poison swirled in his gut every time he considered the possibility. But – "Do you think I hurt her?" he asked, still unable to meet Teal'c's eyes not sure he wanted to hear the answer.

Teal'c opened his mouth to respond but paused at the sound of hurried footsteps coming down the hallway towards them. Daniel glanced over his shoulder to see a nervous young airman approaching.

"Dr. Jackson, I'm glad I found you. General O'Neill suggested I look for you here." The young man spoke quickly, shifting his weight from foot to foot with uncertainty. "I had to tell you, uh, Vala Maldoran…she left the base several hours ago, Dr. Jackson. I would have informed you sooner, but I… I just woke up." The airman looked mildly embarrassed as he said this, clearing his throat and colouring faintly.

"What?" Daniel demanded, squinting at the informant in annoyed confusion. "Why didn't you try and stop her?" Then he took in the slightly puffy state of the young man's right eye and the red tinge of the swollen skin around it. Finally comprehending, he said, "I'm sorry, sergeant, clearly you did try."

"If you're going after her, Dr. Jackson," the airman started, valiantly saying nothing about his slowly blooming black eye, "you'll need a jacket. There's quite a storm brewing outside."

Daniel sighed and moved toward the elevators at the end of the hall. He wondered vaguely when a question such as that – whether or not he would go after Vala – became worth asking.

--

The slow swish-chug sound of the windshield wipers was Daniel's only companion as he drove down the deserted road leading away from the Cheyenne Mountain Complex. He sat hunched over the steering wheel, squinting through the rain-clouded windshield at the darkened road before him. Rain pelted against the windshield mercilessly, the windshield wipers of Daniel's car unable to keep up. He drove slowly along the dark road hardly able to see more than a few feet in front of the car. Occasionally, lightning flashed, illuminating his path and the surrounding forest for brief moments. Each time this occurred a wild surge of hope rushed through him – as if the light would reveal that Vala had been walking alongside his slowly creeping car the entire time. She never appeared though, and he began to fear quite illogically that she never would.

_She couldn't have gotten too far in this weather_, he told himself repeatedly, as thunder, following on the heels of the forking electricity, rolled heavily overhead and momentarily drowned out the futile but steady rhythm of his wipers. _It's only a matter of time before I catch up_. The words didn't offer much comfort though, so he tried to focus most of his energy on cursing Vala's beyond stupid flight response and berating himself for triggering it.

--

Vala's left hand had long ago gone numb from its exposure to the icy downpour, and she kind of missed the throbbing pain. While it was unfortunate that the young man had not only gotten in _her_ way, but in the way of her fist as well, for a time the sting that had raced up and down her fingers offered a welcome distraction from her more depressing thoughts. Now, though, she was left struggling to find something else upon which to place her attention as she resolutely plodded on. She tried to focus on the resentment she felt burning in her chest, a seething and bubbling anger at the betrayal, at Daniel, and at herself. But sometimes the hurt became too loud to ignore. An image of Daniel would swim up before her eyes, and his words from earlier – cruel and cutting – would play over in her mind. When this happened, when she couldn't fight it anymore, she would remember how she felt: to have left herself so open and vulnerable only to have him grab a knife and plunge it into her, twisting for all it was worth. Daniel, the first person she had fully trusted in years, and the person she had thought she could always count on.

In these moments, it was so very hard to breathe, so very difficult to fight the flow of tears that she couldn't quite convince herself were merely raindrops.

How could this Daniel be the same man she remembered and dreamt of? Or even the same friend she had known for these last two years, let alone those lost fifty? She barely recognized him sometimes. Daniel – her Daniel – would never have wanted to hurt her this way. When had that changed? Her breath hitched suddenly at the sensation of Daniel's arms surrounding her, his lips covering her face with soft butterfly kisses to soothe away her tears. "Enough," she scolded herself. She threw up her arms as if to break the embrace and push him away only to realize once again that he wasn't really there at all. "It's gone," she said aloud, trying to convince her stubborn heart to believe it. "That Daniel is gone, that life is gone."

As she walked she became more resolved, and finally the path that now lay before her solidified in her mind. She had lost someone else, or maybe she had never really had him, and that was that. But the thought of going on with that lost someone right in front of her hurt too much.

She would leave. It was the only option.

"No more," she confirmed aloud to no one in particular, ignoring how lost she felt at the prospect and determinedly moving her squelch-squelching military boots forward. When she was ready, when her habitual mask was back in place, she would go back…and then she would be on her way.

The road around her seemed to illuminate and she braced herself for the crack of thunder that was sure to follow. She frowned when it never came, glancing up at the silent swirls of black clouds above her in puzzlement, then back over her shoulder when she realized the brightness had yet to fade.

Behind her, a set of headlights cast yellow beacons through the torrents of rain.

--

Daniel finally caught sight of a familiar figure on the road ahead as another bolt of lightning cut across the sky. Speeding up slightly he drove until she was within the glow of his headlights. Even as the car approached she didn't break her pace, continuing to walk steadily down the centre line, away from him. He followed her for a few minutes before letting out a frustrated sigh and pulling the car over to the side of the road.

Daniel hit the brake and ripped open his door. He spent a moment groping futilely at his coat for a hood before giving up, yanking it over his head, and stepping into the downpour. "Vala, what are you doing?" he yelled over the low rumble of the still-running car and the sound of water pounding on the pavement. When she didn't respond, didn't even pause, he broke into a jog.

"Vala!" he tried again once he was within arm's length of her. "What are you doing out in this weather? Are you _actually_ insane? You have to come back to the base." Dropping his jacket down onto his shoulders, he grabbed her elbow and spun her around to face him, stopping her constant march in the opposite direction. He recoiled a little at the open hostility written across her features, but forced himself to recover and plunged onwards with the one thing he knew would give her pause: "Sam is awake, she wants to see you."

The glare faltered a little. "She's going to be all right?"

"Yes. She's going to be fine," Daniel said. Vala closed her eyes and took a deep breath, relief now showing clearly on her face. Taking that as a good sign, he started to tug her towards the vehicle. "Now let's get back to the mountain so you can see for yourself."

She pulled against his hand, trying to pry his fingers off her wet BDU jacket. "No Daniel, I'll come back when I'm ready, just long enough to collect my things."

He paused but didn't relinquish his hold on her arm as he stared at her, brow furrowed. "What are you talking about, Vala? Where are you going?"

She continued to struggle against his grip, and when he wouldn't release her she slipped out of her jacket with practiced ease, leaving her in the black tank top she had been wearing underneath. Her arms automatically wrapped around her shivering frame while her face showed no consideration for the cold and instead focused on him. "That's none of your concern, now if you'd be so kind as to just let me go – "

"Not going to happen," he said, balling up the drenched fabric in his hands. He set his jaw and fixed her with a glare of his own.

"Daniel," she said, probably aiming for a light tone but just sounding disturbingly apathetic. "You know your life will be much more pleasant without me in it. And I wish to leave, so there you go."

"That's the stupidest thing I have ever heard you say," he responded, hard-pressed to hold back the desperation creeping into his voice. "And you've had some real gems. Now please, just get in the car." She shook her head once, and took a step backward. A fear, a new and wholly different animal than the one he'd been wrestling these past few days over Sam, started to take hold of him. _What if he couldn't make her stay? _He had brokered countless negotiations, mediated scores of first contact missions, but never had he met anyone with whom his ability to convince and reason counted for so little as it did with her. Helplessly, he threw out a scramble of half-formed thoughts, anything to keep her from taking another step back. "What, do you need to hear the words? Vala, my life is fine with you in it – great even! You're…well, I don't know what you are, but you're _you_. And yes, sometimes that means you drive me absolutely nuts, but even so, of _course_ I want you in my life, you have to know that."

"But you don't want me in your life the way I _want_ you to want me in your life, now do you?" she demanded, eyes a little too bright in the warm glow of the headlights.

Daniel blinked water out of his eyes and tried in vain to understand what had just been said. "What? Vala, it's a little too miserable out for you to be talking in riddles." _I don't have time for you right now._ He swallowed against the sudden burning in his throat and said, "Please, just tell me what you mean."

"I mean I can't do it anymore, Daniel!" Vala yelled, voice harsh and tearing through the pattering of the rain. She continued lower, shaky and tight with barely constrained emotion, "I can't see you every day, knowing what we had and knowing that in this time and place you don't see me that way, and in all likelihood never will. I can't be around you and have it be like this, because it is _killing_ me. I never needed _anyone, _Daniel, but then you come along and you make me…you make me feel things that I never wanted to feel and I just can't do it. So I'm leaving, like I should have done a long time ago."

She looked at him then, so brokenly that he thought he felt something within him crack. "Vala," he said, the words escaping in little more than a whisper, as if the wind had been knocked out of him. He felt as though it had. "What exactly are you saying?"

Her face twisted, and she gulped in several shuddering breaths of the chilly air. He had time to begin and then abort a movement toward her before she managed, "I'm saying, Daniel, that I'm remembering things I was never meant to remember. That time on the _Odyssey_…" she stopped to swipe roughly at her cheeks, and only then did he realize she was crying, "Did you know we had a child? Or we would have had, if …"

"Teal'c told you that?" he asked, his mind rebelling against what she was so clearly struggling to tell him. Because that…that was impossible.

She let out a huff of laughter that choked off at the end into something that sounded horrifyingly like a sob. "Daniel, don't play dumb, it doesn't become you. Teal'c didn't have to say a thing."

He swallowed hard. _Oh, god_. "You're saying you remember? Everything that happened on the _Odyssey_, you remember it?"

"I know you probably don't believe me," Vala said, mistaking his appalled look for disbelief. She stared resolutely at the ground and continued, "It sounds crazy. For a while there, even I thought I was losing it. I kept having these dreams, these images of another lifetime that just felt too real but that I knew had never happened. And then I talked to Teal'c, and guess what I find out? They _are _real. Surprise!"

Daniel wanted to say something to stop her, not wanting to hear anymore, but he couldn't find the words.

"And the worst part, Daniel?" She paused and finally looked back up at him. He wanted her to be smiling playfully. He wanted her to be messing with him, to wink at him and say, 'just kidding, darling.' But rain and tears had washed every inch of her devil-may-care attitude and flirtatious façade away, and all he saw was truth. He saw _her_. "The Vala on that ship had everything I told myself I wouldn't ever be able to have. And now every time I try to sleep, there are her memories, mocking me. Do you know how hard it is to forget you love someone when the second you close your eyes, it's as if he's right there, loving you back?"

"Vala…"

"I don't want your pity, Daniel, so save it. It's not as though I'm actually capable of real emotion, after all – it would be a waste." Just like that, the walls went back up.

He flinched as his own sentiments were thrown back at him, sounding even uglier than when he himself had tossed them so carelessly in her direction. "_Hey_," he said sharply. She narrowed her eyes at him, and he adjusted his tone. "I didn't mean that. I was upset. And certainly I don't mean it now. You – what you've had to deal with… I don't find it hard to believe you feel something."

"Right. _Something_. You can't even say it, can you? Does the thought of you and I really disturb you that much?" There was no anger in her voice, only a calculated nonchalance. When he didn't answer, she nodded, muttered a "right, then," and turned to walk away.

"No – I –VALA! Would you just stop running and listen for once in your life!"

She whirled on him, eyes spitting fire, body rigid. "What could you possibly have to say that could make this better?"

He hesitated, then said, "I don't remember what it was like, on the ship. But I've wondered – I still do – about you and I. I told you that I don't, but I do." Some of the tension drained out of her, but she continued to watch him, her expression guarded. "The thing is, I'm finally in a place where I can move on with my life, maybe… maybe fall in love again. But never in a million years would I have chosen to feel that way about you."

"If that's your version of making this better," Vala interrupted bitingly, "your conflict resolution skills need work."

"God, would you _please_ just _listen_?" Daniel punched out, frustrated. "This is hard enough for me as it is without you jumping in!"

"Oh, I'm _terribly_ sorry. Go on, please, continue telling me how I'm the last person on earth you would ever want to be with."

Exasperation melted away at that, giving way to amusement at how very off track she was. The corners of his lips tugged upwards, even though there was nothing funny about the look of hurt on her face. "That's not it at all."

He moved tentatively closer, until he could hook a finger under her chin and force her gaze to meet his. "You terrify me," he said softly, hoping his words didn't get lost in the storm still whirling around them, "because I could love you more than I ever thought I'd feel safe loving again. And I was sure you'd break my heart."

"Daniel, I…" Vala stuttered to a stop, unable to do anything but regard him wordlessly, eyes wide and wondering. A wash of warm fondness swept over him at the sight, and he found himself leaning closer, tracing his thumb along the line of her jaw, with magnetic intent.

He murmured, "You'd better not be messing with me, otherwise I could seriously regret this," then he closed the remaining gap between them, bringing his lips down to meet hers. For one endless, frozen moment Vala didn't respond. Then all at once, she was melting into him, snaking her arms around his waist and returning the kiss with a fervour that had him stumbling forward and grabbing her shoulders to steady himself. Everything – the rain, the cold, the howling of the wind – faded away.

Until she broke away and slapped him.

The sting of her palm against his cheek sent Daniel's head snapping to the side. "What was that for?!" he demanded, jerking back to face her in bewilderment.

"Do you have ANY idea how AWFUL you have been acting these past few weeks? Do you honestly just expect to kiss me and all will be forgiven?"

"No, of course not, but – " he had barely opened his mouth to reply when she reached up and assaulted his cheek with her hand once again

"Vala! STOP THAT!" Daniel grabbed her wrist midair to prevent another attack.

"It's just that I'm still quite annoyed with you and I thought it would make me feel better," she said with a huff.

He continued to hold her arm immobile while bringing his other hand up to rub his jaw. "And DID it?" Daniel asked bitterly, more than a little annoyed himself.

Vala licked her lips slowly and Daniel could practically see the spark of mischief lighting in her eyes as, with a flick of her wrist, she used the hand he held prisoner to pull him closer. She paused just before their lips met to breathe one word.

"Yes."

--

Daniel's grip on her arm loosened as their lips made contact, and she took the opportunity to break free and move her fingers to his face, dragging him in further, closer, needing more. It was the only way to be sure this was really happening, that he really was right there, kissing her. She could tell her desperation was showing, in the way she held on to him tightly, and didn't protest as he spun her around and pushed her backwards in a clumsy trajectory toward the car. But for once she couldn't bring herself to care how much of herself she was giving away.

The backs of her thighs bumped up against the front of the car, and then he was pressing her back against the hard metal, hands tangling in her sopping wet hair, pulling it back from her face as they kissed hungrily. Vala pushed her freezing hands underneath Daniel's jacket, her icy fingers eliciting a small shudder and sound of complaint that quickly died off when her mouth found its way to a spot _just there_ below his ear that she somehow knew would make him groan. He drew her back for another kiss, a muscled thigh snaking between hers.

She paused, pulling away to catch his eye.

"Daniel, as much as I might otherwise enjoy your total loss of control…there are quite possibly more comfortable, less rainy venues for this sort of activity," she said with a small smile, nodding at the interior of the car.

He answered by kissing her quickly on the nose and pulling her off the car hood and towards the side of the vehicle. He quickly opened the back door and they slid in, Daniel shutting the door behind him with a heavy _thump_. He reached up with one hand to turn the heat up higher, the sound of the fan adding to the pounding of the rain on the roof and the now distant claps of thunder. For a beat, they just stared at each other, the rush of the last few minutes fading away.

"So," Daniel said.

"So," Vala agreed.

"We're really doing this?"

"I should hope so after all that lead up."

He raised a disdainful eyebrow. "You know what I meant."

"I know what you meant."

Just like that, the urgency was back. She shoved the jacket off his shoulders, and he shrugged it off the rest of the way, tossing it into the front seat as he gathered her legs in his lap, pressing one hand possessively to her waist. He raised his hand then and traced a finger down her neck, along her clavicles, over her shoulder, a wondering look on his face that made her heart speed up. It wasn't long before his mouth followed the same path.

Vala ran her fingers through his hair as he kissed and nibbled at the pulse point in her neck, then ran them down his back to the hemline of his shirt. He was forced to break contact as she pulled it over his head, but immediately swooped back down to return to her neck, kissing across her collarbone and stopping as he reached the strap of her tank top.

"You're soaked," she heard him mutter.

It was her turn to raise an eyebrow, and he chuckled. "I meant your clothes. From the rain."

She grinned at him, helping him remove her tank top, then shivered slightly when she caught a good look at his face, her levity evaporating in a blink. Despite the warm air coming from the vents she was suddenly cold again, seeing a familiar yet ghostly shine of adoration in his eyes. She pushed herself into action, trying to distract herself from the memories that now churned in her head, forcing him backwards to sit upright and moving to straddle his lap. She began leaving kisses all over his face, his forehead, down his cheek, hands wandering freely down his sides and across his stomach.

"Vala," he gasped again as she began to head lower. "Vala, please, I just need to say something." She let out a sigh but she complied, working to catch her breath. She rested her head on his shoulder, afraid if she looked up at him he would see written on her face the myriads of thoughts she was trying to hold at bay.

"Vala, I'm still not sure I completely understand. I'm not sure I even can. But…I do believe you." His hands moved from where they had been resting on her hips to cup her still hidden face. "And I want to…to be here for you."

Vala slowly raised her eyes to meet his, watching the concern, tenderness, and uncertainty flickering over his features. She knew her walls had been crumbling for a long time but now, so were his – the carefully constructed fortress that was Daniel Jackson had begun to crack and fall away as well. She felt tears begin to pool in her eyes as his thumbs softly stroked her cheeks.

"I want you to tell me everything. When you're ready. Please." It wasn't an order, but a plea. Vala moved quickly to cover his lips with her own once more, as tears that had been threatening to fall began to trickle down her cheeks. She could taste the salt from the hot tears as they kissed, on her lips, on his. It was all too much. Too real. She stopped and rested her head on Daniel's chest, listening to the rapid beating of his heart as she drew in a shuddering breath. He wrapped his arms around her, one hand cradling her head as the other moved in circles over the soft skin of her back. "Vala?" he murmured, uncertain once more.

She whispered, afraid that any louder and her voice would break into a sob, "I'm waiting to wake up cold and alone again."

He tightened his hold on her as if to anchor her down, said, "I'm here," and kissed her, once, twice, and on and on, repeating the words with every breath until she felt she could almost believe it. It felt as though he was trying to put her shattered self back together, one kiss, one piece, at a time. Vala began to shift in his lap causing Daniel to groan. He moved quickly, laying her down on the seat, continuing to press kisses to her lips, her neck, her chest, leaving a trail of goosebumps as he went. She was so distracted by his touch, down her thighs as he removed her pants, on her feet as he removed her shoes, that she barely noticed that somewhere along the way he had lost the rest of his clothes as well.

He moved back up to her lips once more, leaning back to stroke a hand over her brow, watching her as she moved her own hands up his arms, down over his back. She shivered at the sensations – skin on skin – so new and yet so familiar at the same time. As he lay above her, Vala's mind began to flash through all the memories she had of their lovemaking on the Odyssey; the first time so desperate and quick, the slow, sweet second time later that same night…on and on images assaulted her senses. Daniel must have seen the look in her eyes – distant, overwhelmed. He paused, finding his voice. "Vala, look at me."

Her eyes remained unfocused off to the side and then she shut them, clutching his arms. "Just…give me a minute."

Daniel ghosted a finger over her eyelids, moving to rest a hand on the side of her face. "Be with me, Vala, here, now. I want to make our own memories." He moved to place a chaste kiss on her forehead**,** waiting for her. Finally, she opened her eyes and mirrored his caress, placing her own hand against his cheek. She nodded slightly and brought his face down to hers. As he entered her, a final wisp of a memory pushed its way to the forefront of her mind…

"_I wasn't with you all these years because we were trapped on this god awful ship. I was with you because – " _

"I love you." She heard Daniel gasp quietly into her ear.

She was barely able to choke out her response before everything exploded in a brilliant flash.

--

Vala barely recalled the trip back to the base, or how they ended up curled together in her bed. She remembered smirking at Mitchell as they passed him in the hallway, sending him a wink and pretending to straighten her tank top in order to elicit a tortured, "Aw, hell," from the man – but that was about it. Everything else seemed a sort of blur, having passed by quicker than any dream. Yet, lying in Daniel's arms and listening to him breathe steadily in and out, she knew beyond a doubt that this was real.

For the first time in what seemed like forever, when she reached over him to turn off the light, she didn't dread sleep. The past had no hold on her now. Uncertain and unclear though it was, they would have their own future – together.

--

_Turn out the light_

_And let me love you _

_one more night_

_hold me tight_

_oh baby tell me everything _

_is gonna be all right_

--

END. that's it. done. finally. and y'all got the happy ending you wanted - I think...I hope... My inner angst monster was screaming and crying and having a temper tantrum but I gave it (or tried to give it) to you anyway. hope you enjoyed the series please leave a note to let me know what you thought!


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